all of this is dead serious

Biographical--and especially autobiographical--movies tend to be pretty lousy unless there's an actual thematic thrust behind everything; otherwise, the movie amounts to little more than some guy (whom the audience probably doesn't know) recounting anecdotes from his life and hoping others find him as entertaining as he does. Straightforward biopics about even interesting people usually adhere to a really bland cookie-cutter structure. Regardless of how well-made one is, it's inevitably way less interesting than the story it's trying to condense to two hours.
Because of this, nobody should ever make a movie out of my life, but if anybody were to do so, they should do it in a fairly experimental style. The content itself sure as hell isn't interesting, but if the form is engaging enough then the movie might at least be watchable. Ideally, the film would actually have nothing at all to do with my life.

I'm thinking I should be played by a young Marlon Brando (because people always tell me I've got a "brooding, animalistic intensity reminiscent of a young Marlon Brando." I'm not sure what to make of that, exactly--and on second thought, I don't think anybody has ever actually said that--but who am I to disagree?) for most of the film. During the samurai fight scenes, which will have to take up at least half the movie, I'll be portrayed by Toshiro Mifune. The movie will be directed by David Cronenberg, and as such it will end with some sort of venereal disease (or a media-driven intellectual virus) manifesting itself as a violent monster that kills me, along with everybody else in post-apocalyptic Toronto.

It will be a worldwide hit and nobody will realize the whole thing's fabricated. The fame is so close I can taste it.